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In Turkey we have a new cool kick ass law. Well it’s not that new anymore, but it’s still pretty cool. The law states something like, you can’t say anything that insults Turkey, the State, the Flag, Ataturk (the Don of the Turks) or they’ll throw you in jizail! So, Billy Bob what you think about that? I think we showed the US how to be really patriotic! And a tiny bit fascist as well.

Let’s compare this law to a couple of situations kids have in their playground.

Situation 1
Kid A: Your mother is so fugly with her mustachio and her pistachio moles she makes me puke!
Kid B: I’m gonna tell my brother and he’s going to beat you up.

So Kid B is pretty pathetic right. Not being able to think of something clever to say back or even let it slide he calls his big brother to bring the pain! A little bit what the Turks are doing, ain’t it? ‘You put a naughty video clip about Ataturk on YouTube. Well, we’ll just block YouTube’.

Situation 2
Kid A: I think your family is stupid because your dad takes you to school on a camel.
Kid B: Whatever man! At least my family ain’t on welfare. Unlike Y to-the O-U!! Bam Biaaaiiitch!!

See what happens here. No brothers are being called, but they try to open up a can of ass-whooping between them. Which is alright, because now only two kids get hurt. But hey, they are kids and young and insecure, so you expect behavior like this. This would be if the battle on YouTube would just be fought and the Turks could put clips of Zorba the Greek taking it doggy style by a donkey.

Situation 3
Kid A: Your mother is the cheapest whore on the block and you’re a bastard and your dad is Lenny, the crack-addict balloon seller!
Kid B doesn’t say anything. He sighs Kid A’s remarks away.

Kid B does not go in a lengthy discussion nor does he call his brother. Wow! The perfect situation. This kid must be very confident and smart. If we compare him to a country it’s probably something cold and Scandinavian. See how Kid A looks like a dick now. Just because Kid B ignored him. Maybe Turkey (and actually all other countries and even all other people) should be more like Kid B.

I looked at you from a distance, but you couldn’t tell what I was thinking. Now you think I’m in love with him. Whatever you think is going on isn’t really going on. So you might call this the Matrix, but I don’t know what way to go but take the blue pill.

“Help me father, for your heavenly body is just way too sexy” is what I thought when I first saw him, our new priest. The love we shared was hotter than the butter we melted before baking the pancakes. This was life! The way I imagined it would be before even starting to think about consequences and being honest towards God and all the people filling the church every Sunday. He was willing to do the giving and the taking. He was my first man friend.

But this is also why she complained to my brother, because she didn’t want to continue this endless battle with other people that were actors in my sexual fantasies. I was excited. I didn’t have the balls to end this relationship and to be known in town as an asshole and ‘A Homosexual’ as they would say around here. ‘Are you giving me freedom or are you going to be a bitch and take everything like Hilary?’ I asked her. ‘If that’s the situation I’d rather stay at home with our kids and be a frigid mouse just like Mickey’. She stared at me blank like she always does when I use pop-culture references. What an idiot!

The kids felt something was wrong. Hell, they weren’t blind. I slept on the couch for three weeks. Asking me why mommy looked so much older and why she would stay over at Uncle’s place. I knew my brother was no Saint, even though the real Saints weren’t even Saints anymore, but to sleep with my wife, the mother of my offspring, just made me feel so relieved. I’m not the only one who is fucking up life and has absolutely no clue of what is going on. Hallelujah!

With days passing my lust just got stronger and made extra room for the juicy feelings the priest also had. When my wife finally never left me to re-marry my brother, I was the one who was the poor fellow who got left behind in that house. The village was on my side! Now I could do weird stuff and everybody would see it as a way to deal with the rough patch I hit.

Maxim, I could call him by his first name, made me feel better about my body and my whole being. He always caressed me like I was his first and last. But little did I know that he was actually looking at all these other people and that my love for him never meant anything to him. He was a true priest: always a helping hand for whoever is in need. Homo slut! Now I have lost my wife, the kids and my religion. At least I still have my wife’s dildo so I can go ass fuck myself without having to deal with love and talking and stuff. Once you hit rock bottom you can only go up from there. Or stay there for a really really long time! We’ll see.

What’s in an orgasm? For him it meant so much. The fact that his girlfriend didn’t come through their sex-full nights left him to shameful thoughts of non-completion. He felt worse and worse because he just wasn’t man enough, so he thought. And while he was pounding her brain about this matter, she felt worse and worse, because of her inability to come through intercourse. His male friends never asked him how his relationship was going. They couldn’t handle the psychological love & happiness talks. They were only interested in if he had finally made her come or not. For them that score was the only thing that counted to enumerate the value of a relationship. That’s how men think: in competitions results count, in economy profits count, and in a relationship orgasms count. ‘If you aren’t winning, you must be losing’, they told him to make matters even worse.

Then out of nothing one day she came during intercourse because his belly touched her clitoris with every thrust he made. When she climaxed, she was so happy finally achieving what he wanted from her. But he wasn’t happy. Just having read an article in her Cosmopolitan that said that 86 percent of the women occasionally fake their orgasms, he simply didn’t believe her. And now he was thinking of her former boyfriends who made her come. Because once he had asked for this and she had told him that there were three guys out of the eleven who had made her come. Two of them were black. The other one was just very tall. Why wasn’t he one of the lucky ones? Why wasn’t she relaxed with him? Why was she trying to fake his insecurities and their problems away? Despite these questions he tried to believe her and asked her how come she came this time. She was always honest with him and told him she came because of the rubbing of his belly on her clitoris. This crushed his last hopes.

‘What am I doing wrong?’ he asked. She replied: ‘Nothing! Absolutely nothing. It’s not you baby. It’s me.’ ‘Well, fuck YOU then!’ he said and just like that it was all over. For a reason that many people thought was very childish. Even when he told his friends they couldn’t believe him. They told him that they all had relationships where their girlfriends didn’t come. That they just focused on other good things in their relationships. That they had debts and their favorite soccer team never wins. But it was all too late. The nights before he started this relationship he was fantasizing about sex and having it on a regular basis. Now his wishes were granted and he had thrown it all away. And why? Just to get his name on a non-existing score sheet…

When she broke up with me, I never thought it would take me so long to find somebody else. I mean, in the beginning you feel okay. I told myself ‘Hey man, you’ll find somebody else. Look at your mom. She’s fifty something and she found a new love. You just have to be patient and not look for it. Love will look for you’. Yeah right!! The person that came up with this bullshit must have been in a relationship for so long, that they forgot how it really works. Well, for me time went by.
After a couple of months, you start to worry ‘Hmm, I wonder if I’m going to meet her this weekend on that party. I hope so. Then I’ll have romantic moments again and the left side of my bed won’t be that empty anymore. And I will even have somebody to take a shower with and have breakfast with… Stop thinking like that man. You had a girlfriend before, so you’ll have one again. If it’s destined you’ll meet her’.
After a year you kind of lose your dignity and just start being horny and desperate ‘Goddamn, let’s go out tonight. I don’t care if there are only drunk English tourists and high school virgins. Let’s just go. We’ll get drunk and have a good time’. While actually thinking ‘Fuck man! Don’t cockblock me bithces. She could be there. The one. She could really be there. If you don’t look for her, you can’t find her, right?’ But since I’m writing this piece and not a piece about how pedophiles are treated in prison, you can figure I didn’t get lucky (although I did go to that party. Alone…).
So what happens after rock bottom? Well it’s been three years now and since I couldn’t play the game by the rules, so I’ve decided to think radically different: ‘Loneliness = Happiness’. Or at least it can be. I mean, why the fuck are we all after a relationship. And don’t tell me it’s not like that. We tend to believe people in relationships are happier than single people. You pity those people that are single for a long time. I really feel we are forced by society and bullshit like ‘it’s in our nature to procreate’ and to think that we have to be with somebody to be happy. I mean what is every freaking song or movie about? Love! And why? Why don’t we feel complete before we have a relationship? Well because, without it we can’t share our lives and we feel empty. I’m not saying we shouldn’t love or be together. But I am saying that maybe we should evolve a little bit. Just because animals tend to procreate, and it was our highest goal for over two thousand years, it doesn’t mean that this is our goal in life. We don’t walk on our hands and feet anymore, do we?! So maybe the new way of living, could also be alone.
A couple of years ago, in most countries divorce was unthinkable, but hey look at us now. I don’t know any parents of my friends that are still together. Happily that is. So where does this put me? I think the reason I have thought a lot about being together with someone is, so I could share my happiness with somebody. I always think it’s more fun to go to a museum/movie/city with someone, because you get to share what you are feeling. And that’s maybe what I’m missing. The solution to that is, knowing that you can get love from your friends. Real love, like in love love! I’ve known them for years so maybe that ‘in love feeling’ is not there that often anymore, but sometimes I suddenly feel those butterflies and you’re just happy for knowing that these people are your friends! You don’t have to have sex or make out with them to feel that feeling. What do you think you feel after being five years together with your loved one. The same! It’s a hormonal thing. It’s scientifically proven.
And just take the word itself: loneliness. It just makes you cry. But what does it mean? ‘Sad, because one has no friends’. And this is from the dictionary. However let’s not forget that loneliness isn’t the same thing as ‘being alone’. Being alone is loneliness without the sad part. I love being alone. I feel I have so many friends that give me that special feeling of real love, that I don’t need a girlfriend. Of course, like meeting new people or new friends, I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a relationship. A change could be nice in your life.  But in real life, in contrary to the movies, life goes on after you get together with someone, and you find out that you, are still you. No revolutionary changes or eternal happiness. You still have to be in peace with yourself to find real happiness. And I think I found out that my life can be wonderful and perfect. Alone!